


The closing walls and the ticking clocks

by iwillnotbecaged



Series: Flying high without ever leaving the ground [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sam Wilson, Multi, Polyamory, Sam-Centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-15 00:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5764210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwillnotbecaged/pseuds/iwillnotbecaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam can hear the clock ticking. Other people don’t think it’s there, they would say that it’s all in his head, but he knows it is. With every new relationship, the timer restarts and clock starts ticking down. The exact amount of time varies, but nothing’s ever lasted longer than six months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The closing walls and the ticking clocks

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always to the extravaganza squad for their unending support and encouragement.
> 
> Title from Coldplay's "Clocks"
> 
> A quick note: I'm ace and have never been in a romantic relationship, so Sam's past experiences are a product of my own fears and the experiences of other aces that I've read about. If anything comes across as insensitive or disrespectful, please let me know either here or [on tumblr](http://i-will-not-be-caged.tumblr.com).

Sam can hear the clock ticking. Other people don’t think it’s there, they would say that it’s all in his head, but he knows it is. With every new relationship, the timer restarts and clock starts ticking down. The exact amount of time varies, but nothing’s ever lasted longer than six months. So when Bucky and Steve finally convince him to give this thing a shot, his mind sets the timer whether he wants it to or not. And really, he’d consider himself lucky to be part of their story for even that long.

**September - 6 months left**

Steve already knew that Sam was ace. You don’t spend a couple of months in motel rooms with only each other for company without covering a lot of personal history. He had even surprised Sam by not needing the complete rundown; turns out SHIELD gave him a broad overview of “things a white man from the 1940s might need to know about the 21st century” when he came out of the ice and he had supplemented it with a lot of research of his own.

“The sections on, uh, LGBT rights and terminology weren’t quite in depth enough for me,” he had told Sam in another featureless room in yet another featureless town. “I, uh, had a— I guess you could say I had a more, uh, personal investment in it, so I did a lot of reading about the different terms and ideas and theories.” Steve had avoided making eye contact, staring determinedly down at the bedspread instead.

“I know how that goes.” Sam had been pretty proud of his nonreaction to what he had suspected was Captain America attempting to come out to him. “My mom and dad helped me do a lot of research when I was figuring everything out. It’s a pretty great feeling when you find out there’s a name for that thing you’ve been feeling and that you’re not the only one feeling it.”

“Yeah,” Steve had said, lifting his eyes cautiously. “It is a pretty great feeling.”

The point is, he’d never been shy about who he was, so when Steve and Bucky spent a few days in quiet, private conversation and then approached him with the possibility of a romantic relationship, they both knew exactly where he stood. And they assured him they were fine with it and that they would work things out together. It was eerie how similar their faces were when they were being stubborn, but Sam guessed that was what happened when you were best friends for nearly your entire life.

So he said yes. They were the best men he had ever met and they thought he was amazing and he desperately wanted to believe them when they said it would work. But even though he knew that they would never hurt him on purpose, there was still a part of him that just sighed and set the timer. Even his most “normal” relationships hadn’t lasted very long, and here he was trying to build something with two men whose friendship was literally the stuff of legends. At least he was going to enjoy the hell out of whatever time he had.

**October - 5 months left**

“Why aren’t there more costume ideas for three people? Everything is either for couples or two adults and a kid!” Bucky slammed the lid of his laptop in frustration.

“Probably because three people in one relationship is still pretty rare, Buck. We’ll figure something out.” Steve was using that voice he slipped into whenever he was worried Bucky was getting too upset about something. It was obnoxious and Bucky glared at him for it before reopening the laptop to start searching again.

“If you guys wanted to do something together, I could always do my own thing,” Sam said, wandering in from the kitchen.

Steve and Bucky both looked over at him from the couch. “What?” Steve asked, that little line of concern appearing between his eyebrows.

“Really, it’s no big deal. I could just go as Gabe Jones again. I look damn fine in that uniform.” Sam sat in the arm chair near the couch and fixed his attention on the TV.

Bucky turned the TV off.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Sam? We’re not going to do a costume without you.”

“Bucky, calm down.” There was that voice again. “Sam, do you not, uh, want to do a costume with us? Cause we don’t have to make a big deal out of it if you don’t want. Hell, none of us have to dress up at all if it’s not your thing. We just thought it would be fun.”

“No, that’s not it; I love dressing up on Halloween. I just, I don’t want to make things harder on you guys.” Sam bit his lip. “You’ve been so excited about finding an awesome costume, Buck, and I totally understand if there’s better options if it’s just you two.”

“You’re being an idiot.”

“Bucky, don’t—”

“Shut up, Steve. Sam, I mean it. You’re being an idiot. You’re talking about this like it’s me and Steve, and then you off to the side. And if that’s what you want, that’s cool, we’ll figure it out, but when we started this whole thing, I thought we all made it pretty clear that we wanted it to be the three of us. Not two and a plus one. Isn’t that we said?”

“Yeah, that’s what we said.” Sam tried to explain. “But that’s not what this is about - this is just a Halloween costume.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“It does seem like it might be a little bit about that,” Steve said hesitantly. “And I know it’s just a silly costume, but if we’re going to coordinate, I want it to be all three of us. It wouldn’t feel right otherwise.”

“Okay, sure.” Sam wasn’t sure why exactly this whole conversation had him feeling so off balance. “If it means that much to you, I’m sure we can come up with something.”

“Damn right we will,” Bucky said, turning back to his laptop.

Natasha eventually solved the problem for them. A week before Halloween, three boxes were delivered to the apartment. Bucky’s contained an X-wing flight suit and Sam’s had a gorgeous brown and red flight jacket. They looked over at Steve, who was holding up a wad of orange, gray, and white fabric.

“What the hell is this?”

Everyone at Stark’s party agreed that Natasha’s Rey was the highest _quality_ costume of the night, but that Steve’s BB-8 onesie was the most entertaining.

**November - 4 months left**

The blast left a pile of rubble separating Sam not only from Bucky, but also from the exit. He could just make out Steve’s unconscious form slung over Bucky’s shoulder through the dust and smoke.

“Sam! Where are you?” Bucky yelled, a hint of panic in his voice.

“I’m alright, I’m alright. I can’t get to the exit, though. I’m gonna find another way out.”

Another blast rocked the building.

“This whole place is about to come down! There’s no time for you to find another way!”

“Don’t worry about me - I’ll figure something out. You’ve gotta get Steve out!”

Sam saw Bucky turn and look at the door, then place Steve gently on the ground. He pivoted back towards the rubble blocking the way with a look of fierce concentration on his face.

“Please, Bucky. Please just go. Steve needs you.” Sam’s voice shook as he looked through the mess at Steve’s prone body. It was wrong, Steve lying there so still and helpless. Sam could feel the panic rising in his throat.

“Yeah, and so do you. I am _not_ leaving you behind. Now shut the fuck up and let me think.” Bucky scanned over the mess of steel beams and sheet rock. The building continued to rumble and shake around them.

“I should be able to lift this beam without the whole thing collapsing. Think you can fit through there?” Bucky pointed at a small opening in the wreckage.

Sam choked down the panic and looked where Bucky was pointing. “Yeah, yeah, I can make it work. But if I get stuck—” 

“Don’t even think it. Let’s go.” Bucky gripped the beam with both hands and started lifting. The metal plates in his arm whirred and clicked with the strain and Sam dove through the opening. He could still see Steve out of the corner of his eye and gathered all the strength he had left to crawl towards him.

Bucky dropped the beam with a grunt as Sam finally slipped free. He was yanked up from the ground by the back of his shirt and shoved towards the door.

“Go!” Bucky growled, pushing Sam away when he tried to help lift Steve. “This whole thing is about to collapse. Just go!” He hauled Steve up over his shoulder and propelled Sam out the door and down the hallway.

They ran towards the exit as the building continued to shake and rumble, explosions still going off in other parts of the complex. They burst into the sunlight just as the hallway collapsed behind them and Bucky dumped Steve unceremoniously onto the grass. He whirled around and grasped Sam’s face firmly in his hands and kissed him.

The kiss was harsh, mostly teeth and heavy breathing, with Bucky’s hands gripping him so tightly it almost hurt. It took Sam a moment to realize that the growls coming from Bucky in between kisses were actual words.

“Don’t you _ever_ pull that kind of shit again. Asking me to leave you behind. Don’t you _dare_ —”

Sam grabbed Bucky’s face in his own hands, forcing him to slow down. He brought their foreheads together as they both panted into the space between them. Sam felt like his heart was going to explode. He hadn’t thought— he hadn’t _known—_

“Shhh, shhh, I’m alright.” Sam combed his hands through Bucky’s hair. “I’m alright. I won’t do it again, I promise. Never again.”

Bucky finally stopped gulping down air and lifted his eyes to Sam’s. “Good, you asshole.”

Sam pulled him into a tight hug and rubbed his back soothingly. “We better get Steve to the quinjet. He’ll be pissed if he wakes up and realizes you just dumped him on the ground like that.”

Bucky chuckled and loosened his grip, but didn’t release Sam completely. “You’re not wrong. You’re helping me carry him, though. He’s fucking heavy.”

**December - 3 months left**

Sam glanced at his watch and realized he had spent the whole first half hour of his lunch with Sarah complaining about Steve and Bucky.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to keep whining about this. It’s just that the constant bickering is starting to grate on me. The two of them treat arguing like an enjoyable pastime, but I know eventually one of them is going to say something they can’t take back and I don’t want to watch them destroy their relationship over something stupid.”

“Why do you always do that?” Sarah cocked her head to the side and looked at him critically.

“Do what?”

“Talk about your relationship like you’re not a part of it. You always say ‘their relationship’, not ‘our relationship.’”

The question brought Sam up short. He thought back over what he just said to Sarah and realized she was right. “I don’t— I don’t know. I didn’t even notice I was doing it.”

“I know why you’re doing it.” From anyone else it would probably sound smug, but not from Sarah. 

“Enlighten me.” He didn’t quite succeed at keeping the sarcasm out of his voice, but Sarah ignored it. She knew he didn’t really mean it.

“You still don’t trust them.”

“I risk my life with them on a regular basis!”

“I wasn’t finished.” She shut him up with a look. “Sure, you trust them with your life. You trust them in battle and you trust them to be heroes, but you don’t trust them in your relationship.”

She didn’t say anything else, just let Sam think about that for a few minutes while they ate their sandwiches.

“Do you think it maybe has something to do with Justin?”

“Maybe.” Sam played with the straw wrapper on the table and tried to put his thoughts in order. “No, not maybe. Definitely. It definitely has something to do with Justin. And Gina. And Marco. And hell, even Leila.”

“Leila? That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”

“Yeah, but she was the first. She set the pattern and the rest of them followed it.” Sam shifted in his chair. This stuff was awkward as shit to talk about, even with Sarah. “We didn’t just break up because she was going to college. She told me she wanted to take our relationship to ‘the next level,’ or whatever. We tried a couple of times, but it always made me so uncomfortable. I told her I didn’t want to and that I didn’t think I ever would want to. She wasn’t cool with that, so she broke it off. Said we could use college as an excuse because she didn’t want me to be embarrassed.”

Sarah reached across the table and held his hand. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”

“After that, it just kept happening. Once I figured out I was ace, I had the words to explain things, but even then, people didn’t get it.” Sam shrugged. “I would be up front with them and they would say they were fine with it, but eventually it would be clear that they thought they were going to be different. That they would be the one to ‘fix’ me.”

“There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed, little brother.” Sarah sounded like if any of his exes were there, they wouldn’t be in one piece for long.

Sam’s mouth quirked into a half smile and pulled his hand back. “I know, big sis. But they didn’t. And then after all the shit with Justin—”

“That cheating dickwad doesn’t deserve a _second_ of your thought or worry.” 

“Ha, ain’t that the truth. But still. He wasn’t getting what he wanted from me, so he went out and found it. With Steve and Bucky—” Sam cleared his throat and took a sip of water. “Steve and Bucky already have everything they need in each other. I know they care about me, but I can’t help thinking that sooner or later they’re gonna figure out that they would be fine on their own and that it’s just not worth the hassle.”

Sarah looks like she’s going to interject, but Sam doesn’t give her the opportunity. “I mean, the media shitstorm they’ll have to deal with just surrounding the idea of Captain America being in a relationship with another man is one thing, but can you imagine if all the rest of it got out?” 

The words started spilling out of him, faster and faster. “Captain America in a poly relationship? In an interracial poly relationship? People would flip their shit. It would be insanity. And why would they agree to put up with it if they’re not even getting some? It wouldn’t be worth it and eventually they’re going to realize it.”

Sam was almost hyperventilating, caught in the downward spiral. “They’ll be nice about it, of course, but still. They’ll let me down gently and I’ll be on my own again. I gave up my job in DC to move here, but then I’ll have to leave the Avengers to keep things from being awkward as fuck and I’ll be here in New York, alone and with nothing to show for the past three years.”

“Sam!” Sarah said his name sharply and grabbed both his hands. “Stop. Breathe. That way lies madness, and you know it.”

He tried to get his breathing under control as Sarah rubbed her thumbs over the backs of his hands. His heart was racing.

“You are so much more than just your dick.” She held a hand up to stop him from speaking before taking hold of his again. “I know that you know that, but it seems to me like you need to hear it again. You are a kind, compassionate, amazing man; you are not something to be put up with. And anyone who thinks you aren’t enough just on your own, exactly the way you are, is an idiot.”

Sam could feel the panic ebbing, the rational part of his mind gaining control again.

“I don’t think Steve and Bucky are idiots.” Sam raised an eyebrow at her. “Well, not in that way, at least. I’ve seen them with you - they _adore_ you. They look at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. And I suspect that they would have quite a few choice words for you if you told them they didn’t need you and you weren’t worth the hassle.”

“Probably,” Sam conceded.

“But you have to _talk_ to them. You can’t do that thing where you pretend everything’s fine while you’re actually waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to them.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll try to find a time to talk to them.”

“Make a time to talk to them, Sam. And I’m always right.” Sarah grinned at him.

**January - 2 months left**

When Sam woke up, he was warmer than usual. He shifted slightly in the bed and realized that he had ended up in the middle somehow. Steve must have gotten up at some point during the night and decided to just stay on the edge instead of crawling back to his normal spot.

Sam resettled, planning to go back to sleep for a little while longer, when Bucky’s arm came around him and tugged him back against his chest. Bucky nuzzled into the back of Sam’s neck and Sam could feel that he was hard.

He opened his eyes and saw Steve looking at him softly. Steve’s hand came up to the side of his face and he rubbed his thumb gently across Sam’s cheekbone.

“I like seeing you when I wake up,” Steve said sleepily.

Sam grasped Steve’s wrist and moved his hand so that he could lay a kiss on his palm. “Back at you. It’s nice opening my eyes to such a pretty sight.”

Steve smiled and shuffled closer for a kiss. Sam melted into it, then stiffened when he felt Steve’s cock against his hip. He was hard too.

Sam broke the kiss and tried to pull away from Bucky so he could get out of bed. The noise Bucky made in response was somewhere between a growl and a whine.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Bucky tightened the arm around Sam’s waist.

“I was just going to get some coffee started. Let you two have some time to, you know.” Sam gestured awkwardly in the direction of his groin.

“That’ll keep,” Steve said, leaning in for another kiss.

“But you must want to.” Sam tried again. “I mean, you both seem pretty interested.”

“Well, sure, but you don’t want to. And I, for one, am a lot more interested in being with you right now. What about you, Buck?”

“I am very interested in everyone staying exactly where they are,” Bucky said breathily into his ear, before leaving a trail of small kisses from the edge of his jaw to the back of his neck.

It won’t last, Sam thought. You know it won’t last. The shine will wear off and they’ll get frustrated and it won’t last. You need to talk to them about it. But Steve was twisting a leg around the back of his knee and Bucky was trailing metal fingers across his stomach and he felt so warm and so loved and he let himself believe for a while that this time would be different. They could talk about it later.

**February - 1 month left**

Sam’s life was pretty damn great.

Stark had finished the upgrades on his wings and they were magnificent. Training with the Avengers was starting to actually be _fun_ rather than just getting yelled at by Steve the whole time. He was in New York, close to his family again. He had become friends with James fucking Rhodes, and not just Facebook friends. Actual, real life, we-go-out-for-drinks-regularly friends. He could get used to this.

Life with Steve and Bucky was good, too. There was the occasional argument about the dishes, but mostly they just hung out in the apartment and worked their way through a seemingly never-ending list of restaurants people had told Steve to try. And cuddled. There was lots of cuddling.

It was comfortable and good until all of a sudden Sam turned around and it wasn’t. 

They had been huddled together on the too-small couch, covered in a mountain of blankets to fend off the cold outside. Joking and tickling had shifted to kissing and teasing, which was about to shift to something more. 

Whenever Steve and Bucky started getting that heated look in their eyes, Sam would find a way to make himself scarce and let them have some time. He’d either head down to the basement gym for an extra workout or text Rhodey to see if he was up for drinks or a bite to eat. He’d give them an hour or two before heading back to the apartment. It wasn’t a perfect system, but it was working.

This time, though, when he tried to extricate himself from the blankets, he heard Bucky grunt with frustration.

“Buck, don’t,” Steve said softly.

“This is getting ridiculous. I’m not doing this anymore.” Sam’s back was to him, but he could hear the irritation in Bucky’s voice. “What is your deal, Sam?”

Sam turned around and planted his feet, arms crossed in front of him. “You know what my deal is. Or was I unclear about whether or not I would be having sex with you?”

“This isn’t about sex. This is about you running away all the damn time.”

“I’m not running away! I’m giving you space! Or did you want me to just stay here and awkwardly listen in from the next room?” This was it. He had known it was coming, but it still felt like his chest was being squeezed in a vice. “I seem to remember you _promising_ that you were fine with me not joining in and that you weren’t going to pressure me about it. Or am I getting that wrong?”

“We did promise that, and we meant it,” Steve interjected before Bucky could respond. He placed an arm on Bucky’s elbow. “Let’s all just calm down and talk for a second. Please.” He looked up at Sam imploringly.

Sam dragged the arm chair closer to the couch and sat back down, bracing himself for what was coming.

Steve took a deep breath and looked directly at him. “Are you happy with us, Sam?”

Sam wasn’t expecting that. “What? Of course I am.”

“You coulda fooled me,” Bucky muttered under his breath.

“What?”

“Not helpful, Buck,” Steve scolded gently. “You’ve just seemed really distant lately. Is there something— are we not giving you something you need? Or are we just— is this just not what you want anymore?” He started rushing, as if trying to get out words he had rehearsed before he forgot them. “If it’s not and you haven’t said anything because you’re worried about your place with the Avengers, please don’t be. We can be adult about it. We just want you to be happy.” 

“I, I am happy. This _is_ what I want.” Sam couldn’t bring himself to look up. “Is it— am I— is this not what _you_ want?”

“I want to be with both of you.” Bucky gentled in the face of Sam’s obvious discomfort. “All the time. But that’s the problem - you only seem to want to be with us some of the time.”

“And it really isn’t about the sex,” Steve added quickly. “We understand that’s not something you want and we don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But when you just leave, it feels…” He searched for the right word.

“Incomplete,” Bucky provided. “Steve and I enjoy what we do together, but when you’re not even in the apartment, it feels wrong somehow.”

“You’ve said before that sex itself doesn’t bother you, just that you don’t want to participate. So, why don’t you— do you think it would be possible for you, for you to stay? Just to be close?” Steve stammered his way through his questions.

“Like, you want me to watch?” Sam looked up at them and Steve and Bucky exchanged a glance.

“I guess?” Steve said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Watch, or listen, or just, just be here in some way,” Bucky adds. “Can we try? See if we can figure something out that works?”

Sam took a moment and studied them, tried to find the words he needed. “In the past, when people I’ve been with have wanted to try things, it’s gone to uncomfortable places. Like, they would see that it made me hard and assume that I’d changed my mind. That it had ‘fixed’ things. Then they would get upset if I told them to stop.” 

He paused. Bucky shifted over and patted the space between him and Steve on the couch. Sam accepted the invitation and let Bucky take his hand and Steve wrap an arm around his shoulders.

“It makes it hard for me to believe that this time would be different. I want to trust y’all and I really don’t think you would be that way, but it’s still…” He let the sentence trail off. He wasn’t sure how it ended anyway.

Steve pressed a kiss to his temple. “Sam, I promise you right now that if we try this and you say stop, we will stop immediately and without getting upset with you. And if you say you don’t want to try this, we will figure something out. We’ll find a way for all of us to get what we need. I promise.”

“And that’s a promise from Captain America. You know he doesn’t make those lightly,” Bucky added, attempting to lighten the mood a little.

Sam huffed a laugh despite himself. “Yeah, I know. Steve Rogers doesn’t make promises lightly either.”

“No,” Bucky agreed. “No he doesn’t.”

The apartment was still. The silence stretched and then settled around their shoulders where they were pressed together on the couch.

“We’ll take things slow?”

“As slow as molasses,” Bucky assured him, bringing Sam’s hand to his lips so he could leave light kisses across his knuckles.

“And you’ll talk to us? Tell us what you’re thinking instead of making us guess?” Steve asked, earnestness clear in his eyes.

“I will,” Sam promised. “Can we— can we not start right now though? Can we just stay here like this for awhile?”

“Absolutely, baby. Whatever you want.”

The late afternoon sun slanted across the apartment. Sam lounged comfortably on the couch, head against Steve’s chest and feet in Bucky’s lap. Bucky’s thumb rubbed circles on his ankle and Steve’s heart thumped beneath his cheek and together the sensations drowned out the clock ticking in the back of Sam’s mind.

**March**

Steve and Bucky lay panting on the bed, sticky and sweaty.

“You two are so gorgeous.” Sam leaned over them, peppering both of their faces with kisses and wiping their stomachs with a washcloth.

Bucky grabbed his hand and yanked, pulling him on top of them.

“Gross, man. I wasn’t finished cleaning you up.” Sam sat up and wiped at his own now-sticky stomach.

“Aw, you know you love it, baby,” Steve wrapped himself around his back and kissed behind his ear. “You like when we’re all messy after showing off for you.”

“‘Showing off’ is definitely the right term for it. I didn’t know Bucky could make those noises.”

“Give me a few minutes and I can get him to make more for you.” Steve yelped when Bucky smacked him playfully.

“Down boy. You know the rules - it’s cuddle time now.”

“Yep. I got to watch you two screw each other’s brains out and now I get to enjoy the sappy afterglow.” Sam shoved Steve away so that he could pull the covers out from under him.

Together they arranged themselves under the covers, Steve in the middle with Sam held tight against his chest, Bucky reaching across to place a hand on Sam’s hip. 

“Happy six month anniversary,” Steve whispered in his ear. 

Sam snuggled deeper into Steve’s embrace. “Happy anniversary, you sap.”


End file.
